That Junior

Today on the way to work, a song  kicked me into a trans. It took me back to my freshman year of high school when I dated a junior. That junior was the first guy I dated after I started high school and he was the first guy I didn’t trust for no reason. That was an epiphany I had while I was in the trans on my way to work. He did nothing to cause me to not trust him, yet when he tried to give me a piece of who he was through a band, I questioned his motive. Why?

That junior was also my first sexual encounter. It wasn’t full on intercourse or anything, but he was the first to get in my pants. That gave me another realization during my morning commute trans that I went with the flow without batting an eye. He could’ve done basically anything to me and I probably would not have stopped him because I liked the attention.  I felt special because he looked at me and wanted me sexually, but I didn’t trust him.

What does that say about me? I was messed up early on. My poor husband has had so many cobwebs to break away from me to find me deep down in the caverns of my codependent self.

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Still Searching…. but STUCK

Either I have the winter blahs, am on the brink of a mid-life crisis, majorly need a vacation or need a change in a bad way with something in my life.

My job is really getting frustrating and I am having a hard time knowing if it is something that I need to change or not. My boss is a micro-manager. Some days, I feel that I can handle that and other days, I feel incompetent and frustrated. I find myself working in a fog and like I do not know how to do my job after over a year in it. I find myself daily contemplating what is wrong with me and if I am good enough for this position. He hired me, yet I feel he does not trust me to handle this position. I remind myself often that he wants me to succeed and that I am the first person to work for him and he does not know how to manage people. I keep reminding myself that it is because I am going through a bunch of other things right now and that those are the things that are occupying my mind and keeping me from being able to handle my boss. Whatever it is, I am need something to change big time! I feel like I am losing my passion for work. How do I find that again? When I start to search for the meaning with it all, I find that I only want to figure out how to retire earlier. But I need to figure out how to live now instead of waiting for the future. Josh comments a lot how we do not live in the now. I have seen a few Facebook posts going around quoting Lao Tzu related to this and I need to learn from it:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

If I can set one intention this week, I want it to be this. I want to live in the present, so I can be at peace. How do I make that happen? I have to quit waiting on life to happen to me and make life happen instead. The problem is that I know the plans that I have made and want to execute them. How can I accomplish the plans that I have made without feeling anxious and without undoing the good that they will do? Like, in order to make a change on the house and live more in the present, we will need to release ourselves from a contract and bid on another house. The house that we like with the land that we like is $45,000 more than the other. We can afford it and like it, but it is not saving us the money that we originally intended. So, now we are faced with the dilemma that we will not be saving $1000/month, but instead about $700/month. It is not a huge deal and we will still be saving more than we were, but it is not as much as we wanted. But after waiting since July and it is now late February the following year, I am going crazy. Our belongings are packed and have been since August because we were anticipating a move sometime in the late fall. All I can say at this point is the same thing I said a few blogs ago, and that is “There is nothing short about a short sale.” Remember that if you ever decide to bid on one. We are currently ready to back out of it after a 4th extension that has expired.

So this blog was supposed to be about change and passion, but as you see it really could be about being STUCK instead. That is how I feel. I want to change and I want to be more passionate about life in general. Right now, I feel like I am just stuck on the rollercoaster and do not know when the repairman is coming to get us down. I am just hanging out in limbo.

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This sweet face needs to step it up a little more and help me through it all.

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Searching for Reason

This week, I have been facing a lot of things that make you question whether staying in the corporate life is worth it. At some point, you gain a sense of accomplishment for all of the hours and efforts that you put into the job, right?

I guess my frustration is because of several circumstances going on around me.

  • A retired colleague passed away on Friday. That had me reflecting a little. Then another coworker’s boss passed away as well unexpectedly. His wife is pregnant with their first born, so it’s just a disaster.
  • I have another coworker who told me a few weeks ago that her fiance is facing an inoperable brain tumor. She said it well, even though they know he is going to die soon, they cannot quit living.
  • Another coworker’s husband of just 8 months had one of his testicles removed last week due to testicular cancer. They might have minimal invasion type treatments now, but it is still scary for a young couple to deal with.
  • My best friend is facing a really tough time. Her husband was sentenced 10 years minimum without parole for hitting a man during a DUI. That was a plea bargain to avoid trial. This is such disappointing news because we thought he might get a chance for parole with good behavior, but it doesn’t look that way.
  • Her situation makes me think about my step-sister and her husband being in federal prison for child porn. Just when I think I cannot relate to her situation, my friend’s situation makes me understand it more and I realize I’m not very supportive. Personally, I really have a hard time on this one because my friend’s husband is a repeat offender, but still did what he did on accident. My step-sister’s husband committed the crime knowing that it was dead wrong. I cannot believe she is still married to him as a mother of 3 in the same age range of the children in the pictures that he was collecting and redistributing. Despite this personal dilemma I have with this situation, it does not take away the fact that my step-sister is raising his three children alone while he is in prison for at least 11 years.

All of this, plus what is going on with Josh and his health is really make me re-evaluate my career and why I am facing this day-in and day-out type of life. Josh’s health is suffering from him doing the same thing. My boss is a micro-manager and that is frustrating me to no end. Why do the job if he is going to do it for me? I’m feeling less and less satisfied with my work life and just want to spend time with what is important – with Josh, my family, visiting my good friends, playing with my dogs and enjoying life. Perhaps a vacation is due soon….

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2 glasses in

Tonight, I’m chillaxing while Josh and the pups sleep. Annie Jr. is beside me and trying to fall off the couch. I’m 2 glasses in and almost ready for bed.

Contractually obligated:
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Tonight, I’m trying to stay positive for Josh. We have been searching for answers for his seemingly permanent perversion of taste. The past two years have definitely been rough on him. He’s gone through back pain that got to the point of needing back surgery, then had the back surgery. A year later, he’s not better and we and the surgeon realize the back surgery didn’t work – his fusion didn’t take at the bone graft level. Then, for whatever reason, since Thanksgiving, he has stopped having pleasant food experiences. He’s seen 4 doctors about this and today he saw the specialist’s specialist. That doctor believes the problem is viral related. But because Josh can’t pinpoint a specific cold or illness that caused the change to stay, the doctor ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor. He’s scared. I’m trying to be supportive and encourage him that the virus is the reason and that eventually it will go away. He is already showing signs of improvement, so it is promising. But brain and tumor are not two words you want to hear about an unknown illness.

These kinds of medical illnesses and fears make you realize that life is short. It really is and you must enjoy it while you can. Marriage with these illnesses is even harder and you have to be encouraging, supportive, patient, loving, understanding, forgiving, and anything else you can imagine…..

So I’m starting the “Sick husband club” to maintain my sanity. If you need to join, it’s free. I already have 3 women in it. So far the 3 wives represent the following illnesses: unknown gastrointestinal/fatigue issues, testicular cancer, and an inoperable brain tumor. My husband has back issues and now sinus concerns that might be more. What about you? Are there more ladies out there that are healthy and doing really well at a young ages, while watching their husband, fiance, boyfriend, or significant other going through a major health issue? How are you handling it?

Well Annie Jr. finally fell off the couch while she was sleeping. And my 2 glasses in have taken hold. Love each other well.

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#puppyporn #puppylove #marriedforthelonghaul #insicknessandinhealth
#contactuallyobligated

Do You Live in Fear?

When someone tells you that they are going on a trip, what do you say to them? Do you ask where they’re going and what they’re doing? Do you tell them to have fun? Or do you always lead with “be safe”?  Can you imagine going on the same trip yourself? Or does that scare you?

I have been pondering why so many people in my life tell me to “be safe” a lot. Those people in my life seem to live in fear a lot of the time. I think my adventures make them worry about my safety more than they are excited for my experiences. Even with things that keep us connected, like facebook, they still seem to think what I’m doing is crazy.

My job requires me to travel internationally about once or twice a year. I wanted the job partially because of that and I am consciously aware of what that means to my safety. I trust my company is not going to send me places that are unsafe and I take precautions and do what is necessary to make sure that I have a successful work trip and fun adventures while I am there. It is interesting to observe the reaction of people when I tell them that I’m going to exotic places like Shanghai or Vietnam. Almost immediately, those people start thinking in a negative way.

But I am not just talking about that kind of fear. I am talking about basic independence. People tend to react in fear of the unknown – sometimes just driving across town. Fear of the unknown is pretty much every animalistic instinct we have. So what I am really seeing is the people in my life have that fear of the unknown and worry a lot about it. I feel sad for them. It has taken me several years to understand that this is what they are feeling. For awhile, I was offended when they would tell me to “be safe”. I could not understand why they could not just say “have fun” or “I love you and I will miss you”. It just did not make sense to me. Then  today I realized that it is second nature to these people because they live in fear of that unknown.

Another observation that I’ve made about these people is that they’re strong in their Christian faith. I cannot understand how you can have strong faith yet not trust God for everything. These are the same people afraid to drive out of their own town and are asking for prayers for the most minor things. I’m pretty sure in the bible, Peter or Paul talks about fear being the opposite of love. Maybe Jesus did… Regardless, there is no doubt in my mind that these words are true.

Fear seeps into everything like a fungus growing on the the bark of a tree that eventually takes over the entire thing and kills it.

What is the difference between worry and fear? Nothing.

If you worry for someone, you are living in fear about that person.
If you worry about someone attacking you at any given time, you live in fear. If you are worried your relationship will fail, it probably will.  There is nothing wrong with being aware of your surroundings or being ready for a situation, but there is a big difference between being ready and cowering in fear.

Do you want to live life? Do you want to feel all that it has to offer?

Let go of fear and live it!

Let’s go of the fear that your relationship is going to fall apart and actually enjoy the relationship that you have.

Let go of the fear that keeps you from driving to the other side of town or the other side of the state or the other side of the country or flying to the other side of the world if that is what you want to do.

You no longer have to just wish for it.

You can actually do it! Let it go! Trust me!

This is what God wants for you too!