Either I have the winter blahs, am on the brink of a mid-life crisis, majorly need a vacation or need a change in a bad way with something in my life.
My job is really getting frustrating and I am having a hard time knowing if it is something that I need to change or not. My boss is a micro-manager. Some days, I feel that I can handle that and other days, I feel incompetent and frustrated. I find myself working in a fog and like I do not know how to do my job after over a year in it. I find myself daily contemplating what is wrong with me and if I am good enough for this position. He hired me, yet I feel he does not trust me to handle this position. I remind myself often that he wants me to succeed and that I am the first person to work for him and he does not know how to manage people. I keep reminding myself that it is because I am going through a bunch of other things right now and that those are the things that are occupying my mind and keeping me from being able to handle my boss. Whatever it is, I am need something to change big time! I feel like I am losing my passion for work. How do I find that again? When I start to search for the meaning with it all, I find that I only want to figure out how to retire earlier. But I need to figure out how to live now instead of waiting for the future. Josh comments a lot how we do not live in the now. I have seen a few Facebook posts going around quoting Lao Tzu related to this and I need to learn from it:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
If I can set one intention this week, I want it to be this. I want to live in the present, so I can be at peace. How do I make that happen? I have to quit waiting on life to happen to me and make life happen instead. The problem is that I know the plans that I have made and want to execute them. How can I accomplish the plans that I have made without feeling anxious and without undoing the good that they will do? Like, in order to make a change on the house and live more in the present, we will need to release ourselves from a contract and bid on another house. The house that we like with the land that we like is $45,000 more than the other. We can afford it and like it, but it is not saving us the money that we originally intended. So, now we are faced with the dilemma that we will not be saving $1000/month, but instead about $700/month. It is not a huge deal and we will still be saving more than we were, but it is not as much as we wanted. But after waiting since July and it is now late February the following year, I am going crazy. Our belongings are packed and have been since August because we were anticipating a move sometime in the late fall. All I can say at this point is the same thing I said a few blogs ago, and that is “There is nothing short about a short sale.” Remember that if you ever decide to bid on one. We are currently ready to back out of it after a 4th extension that has expired.
So this blog was supposed to be about change and passion, but as you see it really could be about being STUCK instead. That is how I feel. I want to change and I want to be more passionate about life in general. Right now, I feel like I am just stuck on the rollercoaster and do not know when the repairman is coming to get us down. I am just hanging out in limbo.
This sweet face needs to step it up a little more and help me through it all.