Today on the way to work, a song kicked me into a trans. It took me back to my freshman year of high school when I dated a junior. That junior was the first guy I dated after I started high school and he was the first guy I didn’t trust for no reason. That was an epiphany I had while I was in the trans on my way to work. He did nothing to cause me to not trust him, yet when he tried to give me a piece of who he was through a band, I questioned his motive. Why?
That junior was also my first sexual encounter. It wasn’t full on intercourse or anything, but he was the first to get in my pants. That gave me another realization during my morning commute trans that I went with the flow without batting an eye. He could’ve done basically anything to me and I probably would not have stopped him because I liked the attention. I felt special because he looked at me and wanted me sexually, but I didn’t trust him.
What does that say about me? I was messed up early on. My poor husband has had so many cobwebs to break away from me to find me deep down in the caverns of my codependent self.