Depression runs deep

How do you handle when someone you love is depressed? It’s so hard to not get sucked into their depression and their world. Do you remember that commercial that was for some type of medication for depression? It used to say that depression affects everyone. It’s so true.

What sucks in my situation is that the person doesn’t admit that they are depressed. They think they are being realistic, but I see that the joy of life, the spark, is not in their eyes. Every action they take seems to avoid disappointment or pain. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me being codependent, but I cannot ignore my feelings when I get into disagreements that are exact opposite of the optimism that I tend to naturally have.

But how can I tell that I’m not creating this in my own head?

Why is celebration no longer allowed?

No really, I legitimately want to know why celebrating is no longer something that is politically correct to do.

Lately I have noticed that people do not want to let you celebrate your successes. Maybe it is the codependent in me, but when I have a success in my career or any other celebration in my life, I would love for my parents or my friends to celebrate it with me.

Since I am a recovering codependent, I cannot ignore the fact that I need approval from family. I guess I’m going to have to live without that considering they would not give it to me and blamed me for bragging.

It is upsetting to not be able to share grief and happiness. I’m curious what the masses think.

The Journey Continues

We have good news! Last week, we put a bid on a new house and officially as of 3/11/2015, it has been accepted! We are moving! FINALLY!

You have no idea what kind of relief that is – we have been in limbo for a very long time. Josh’s first statement to me was that it lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. I feel the same way.

We have been packed since August of 2014 because we thought we would have moved by the end of the year into a different house that we bid on in July. Because it was a short sale, it was taking a long time to go through and we were starting to realize many things we did not like about the property. As cliche as it is, truly, there is a reason for everything.

We learned a big lesson in this.

LIVE FOR TODAY, NOT THE FUTURE. We have always been planning for the future and not living in the present. In my my blog on February 25th, I shared a quote from Lao Tzu and I just have to reflect more on it today: “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” What a great gauge in life. I know we have been anxious for FAR TOO LONG. This weight that Josh described is definitely lifting.

Also while preparing for this new house, I started studying feng shui. I’ve realized that our Ch’i has been off for a long time in several homes. It is time to make a change and reap from a better flow.

The year of 2015 is bringing good fortune to us and we are excited. This is our year of health and prosperity!

Other signs:
1) Our bid was accepted the day after the most important person’s birthday in Josh’s life: his grandmother.
2) Josh’s dad has offered to pay for this year’s fishing trip for us.
3) The mortgage payment of the new house will be $0.29 more than our current rent.
4) Our dog kennel is talking about moving 5 minutes away from our location.
5) We are coming into about 14% more money than expected for the house.

Cheers to the Year of the Sheep.

Crazy Business Woman

Let’s face it, PMS (premenstrual syndrome) is real. I turn crazy every three to four weeks. If you are a woman and do not see this change in YOUR OWN behavior, you are most likely in denial. I promise you the week before I have my period, I turn into an instant crazy person. The most recent concern that I have is how it is affecting me at work. I am pretty aware of it at home and I believe my husband is as well and just is careful around me. He treads lightly as to not set me off in any type of way. And I honestly try to keep myself in check and not become too sensitive to things going on around me.

Somehow, I have missed this connection of emotions at work until recently. My boss is only a few years older than me and has felt the cycle in full force. I imagine he has probably started recognizing when to stay away from me. Fortunately he has not said anything, but I fully expect that he thinks it. In my defense, when you combine a micro-manager and a PMS cycle with the micromanaged person, you are asking for an explosion. Now, I do not have an type of emotional outbursts, but I do have a severe lack of patience with him during those weeks.

So seriously, what do I do with this information? My body betrays my mind every few weeks. I cannot keep this pattern up. Every few weeks, I am ready to quit my job. The micromanaging is difficult to deal with as it is, but with the internal emotional betrayal, I stop being productive and start focusing on the wrong things. (Sidebar – was this what my husband was dealing with the past couple of decades? I cannot even imagine dealing with myself that long! Poor schmuck. Wow, I owe him for so many things…. I have a lot of making up to do for this one.) But back to my concerns – not only am I ready to quit my job, but I am starting to act on it. One, I am stressed out a majorly of the week before my period. My patience wears thin and I feel like I cannot handle the daily grind with my position. What?! I am physically reacting to the crazy now, then a week later realizing that I damn near made a huge mistake by changing positions or trying to reach out to another company and look at my options. I made a pact with a friend this week that we are not allowed to make any major decisions when Mother Nature is visiting. She agreed that this is something we have to do as she is just now starting to realize how the crazy comes on with herself. I think I need to add a reminder to my phone as well to tell myself – don’t be crazy. My husband says that I think with my vagina – a little insulting, but you get the point.

Medically speaking, I can say that I am getting help with these fluctuations and hopefully my doctor can figure it out. In the meantime, I rely on a handful of friends and my husband to help me find my sanity and prompt my memory of the betrayal cycle in my life. Seriously, it is so complicated to be a woman in the business world! Do we belong there? YES, of course! Do we need to pay attention to our crazy? Um, yes…. But do not despair ladies – men go through hormonal fluctuations and some type of cycle too. There is no doubt in my mind based on the near 14 year experiment called my marriage! I am pretty sure that the year and a half I have been in my current role, my boss goes through some type of hormonal cycle as well.

What’s my point here? I am just bitching about being a crazy business woman. I cannot wait to get out of the rat race, so I do not have to deal with this any longer. On to better things – like how to find that house that saves us a couple hundred a month, so that we can save more money. Quick update –  we decided to let the short sale go because we were not getting younger any faster. Hopefully we will be able to find something else quickly. We decided that we also want to live and not just plan for the future and there were some “living” things we were sacrificing with that purchase. When we had the option to get a release from the contract, we requested it. So, we are on schedule to remove some of our debt this month, but we will not lower our rent/mortgage payment just yet. Hopefully we will find a house that can give us what we need and add a little monthly savings. But if we do not, that is okay with us. We know that we need sanity as well. God knows that I cannot handle another stresser with my crazy cycle…. We are also trying to follow the 50/30/20 rule to try to help us get a good start. Our end goal will be to live on much less than 50%, but we just want to establish some type of good plan to get going better.

And so we continue with our journeys out of the rat race…..

XOXO my friends.