MAYBE GREENER PASTURES ARE NOT MYTHOLOGICAL LOCATIONS

So, I am in therapy because I’m having a mental crisis with my corporate life. This might be a mental crisis or some might call it a mid-life crisis. Whatever it is, I needed help to move through it. My hope is that my therapist will help me understand how to get out of the overwhelmed feelings that I am having currently wtih my role.

My first homework assignment was to work on relaxation. She gave me a printout that explained several relaxation techniques that I could apply from meditation, prayer, deep breathing to yoga. For the most part, I was familiar with most of them. I have not applied them yet (as I mentioned in my previous blog – Greener Pastures?). So, right at this very minute, I am taking a step to sign up for the last paid for yoga class that I have in a package.

Homework Assignment 1: Check.

So, my second homework assignment was given to me Tuesday and that was to identify positives throughout the day at work. This was coincidentally the same day that I blogged the above linked Greener Pastures?, but AFTER I posted it. Rather than post all of the positives since then, I thought I would let you ponder that blog a little bit while I work on my own self-discovery. We are making baby steps towards our goals and it is difficult understanding my place in this world. But today, I do feel blessed today because we declared this year the YOTC (Year of the Crandalls) and another piece of that puzzle happened last night. With assistance of our insurance company and a gift from some family, we were able to pay CASH for a truck! CASH PEOPLE!  And we practiced really good negotiation techniques for that truck, so we were able to talk them down about a grand and got a bunch of nibbles that would have cost us around another $1000. (I think Mr. Money Mustache would be proud).

Remember, we just moved into our house in April and did not have any money saved for a new car. We bought this vehicle out of necessity because our perfectly paid for Camry was totaled by a poor doe who did not make it through the accident. Alas, her life did not go unnoticed as she made it possible for us to own a pickup truck and for that, we are thankful (not that animal life is worth a material item – please do not take that the wrong way). We have needed a pickup our entire relationship and even more so since we started up Brass Hammer Designs in 2011. Even though our business has been on hold for a couple of years, Josh is starting to show some interest in the soothing activities and we might start doing more there. This truck will help with that process….. And with our new house as well!

I feel like we grew up a little this week. 1) We took the higher road in our journey out of this rat race and bought a little less of a vehicle than what we wanted, but what would suffice and would also keep us from adding more monthly costs. 2) My car needs to be replaced soon as well and we were tempted by a tight deadline of a friend selling her car to possibly replace it. But we demonstrated maturity by resisting. Even though it has 240,000 miles on it, it is still working. We need more time to save money to replace it and a new rule came about to NOT have a car payment again.

So these are all major things that could be slanted negatively if we let them, but this week, we are opting to look at them all as positives and we are feeling blessed and thankful….

Homework Assignment 2: Check

So, maybe greener pastures are not really mythological locations. And perhaps the journey out of the rat race is showing some light at the end of the tunnel to positively reinforce our goals.

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Greener Pastures?

Is there such thing as greener pastures? Is ignorance really more bliss? I’m struggling with knowledge right now. I’m struggling with knowing what humans do, what the world is coming to, the freedom of speech taken too far on social media and so many other things. I am craving repreave and I do not know where to find it. Is it in a job? Is it in a new life? Is it in early retirement? Where are the greener pastures? Do they even exist?

Am I just crazy to expect this in life? I’m becoming hopeless in some causes and am starting to feel that we do not make that much of a difference and that the point of life might just be to have fun and live happily. But how do you get there? We reap what we sow and I have sown a few seeds I regret.

I’m drawn to a quote that Henry Rollins (Black Flag’s lead singer) said a while back about lifting weights for solitude:

Henry-Rollins

I do agree. The iron never lies and it is not judgemental. It just teaches me where I am not sharpened and reminds me to work on it. People lie and humanity disappoints me on a daily basis. Social media has made me feel crazy. But lifting weights reminds me of the rawness that I need and I find some solitude there.

Lifting weights is not the only way that I am seeking refuge and solitude right now. I need to meditate more and to do yoga more. But my #1 goal is to figure out how to proceed with my future and still maintain the lifestyle that I have chosen to live. I need to find that balance that I had once before. My goals are all jumbled up and I’m nervous that I am losing myself. I am not above therapy and have started every other week to help explore these feelings further and to define a new path…..

Until then, I’ll be here, logging my journey out of this rat race.

Crafty Invitations from the Joneses

I just got an advertising email from evite giving me ideas for a luau party to throw this summer. Wait, am I supposed to be throwing parties?

When we first moved into our house, I had dashing dreams to throw a housewarming party with all of our friends and family. And maybe some of those people would buy us a few new things for our house – things that I need that I haven’t purchased since they were gifted to us at our wedding reception 14 years ago. What a fabulous idea!!! And then realized that I don’t like many people in my life. The people that we do like most likely would not come to a housewarming party because of the distance traveled.

So why throw it? Maybe I just want to make cute invitations to announce our new address to you and invite you over to show off how we have paint smears on the ceiling in the kitchen and patches on the walls in the living room where we haven’t painted yet and nothing matches up stairs.

Screw it! I am not having a party. I wanted one, but that is just not me. I’m not a Jones. I am me. I am not a 50s housewife – I am a career woman that works full time, workouts as often as I can, strives for balance in her life and sanity and potentially an early retirement where I can visit those people that I like the most.

This is me – embracing the glorious mess that I am.

Mid life Crisis or Career Change in the Making?

I think I’m having a mid life crisis. I’ve been in an emotional funk for a while. Most of it is because of my job, I believe. But I’m also struggling with wanting peace. I’ve learned where it is for me and I’m longing to get there.

But I’m chained to a job to pay off debts that feel like they are forever away from being paid. Many days I feel we should get rid of it all and move away, but the debts scare me most. Responsibility scares me. Expectations of others scares me too. And health problems scare me. If we sold everything and moved to our island now, what would be the worst that would happen?

But alas, I had an epiphany today (7/10/2015) – maybe this is my ticket to get out of the rat race! But how do I know?! According to the article published on December 15, 2012 on the Huffington Post website, Making Decisions: 5 Signs That You’re Making The Right Choice, I might be on to something!

* I had a gut feeling about it

*I have weighed the possible outcomes – mostly. 🙂

*I can take extreme pride in this decision

*We already know the why is because I want out of the rat race!

*I can sleep – well, I don’t know that yet because the idea came to  me this morning.

Perhaps I need to think about it more, but I am excited about the ideas that I have in my head right now and I will share in time because I think that I am definitely on to something.

Until next time, keep following me here as I continue my journey out of the rat race!

Eating Marital Crow

Ouch. My young, hopeful/semi-afraid, engaged friend just shared this blog about marriage from the perspective of a lady married just over a year and I’m eating a bit of Crow: Is Marriage Really as Hard as People Say? This young lady, Stephanie, does an excellent job describing why the first year of her marriage has been hard, but worth it and how she’s had a lot of positive things come out of it.

I have been guilty saying how hard marriage is to many young, hopeful people. To those people in my life, I want to say I’m sorry. I stated these things as a way to prepare you for how difficult the road might get ahead and I did not mean to paint such a bleak picture. There are so many wonderful things as well and I want to share those too. And to be clear, my friend did not direct her post of Stephanie’s blog to me. She is a dear friend and we share a lot of reality, which she expects from me. But I do not like that I have started to paint such a negative picture for her either in the beginning phases of a wonderful relationship she has started.

In Stephanie’s blog, she talks about marriage being a three legged race and how the couple is awkwardly working towards the same goal. I think the key is exactly what she says: working towards the same goal. Each portion of that three legged team has different strengths and talents and can go different paces, and oftentimes, different directions. The trick in any team sport is to keep in check with those strengths, talents, and paces and keep them going in a mutual direction. And in marriage, it’s no different. A couple gets pulled and pushed in so many directions and communication and trust are the checkpoints. There’s so much in those two words, but if you do them well, you’ll have a lot of hope for your future.

So with that, I want to share 14 positives in for my near 14 year old/5010 day old marriage  (and 7202 day old relationship):

1) I’m married to my best friend still to this day.

2) I cannot imagine my life without him.

3) He is a mirror for me to see when I am beautiful and/or ugly inside and out.

4) He still makes me laugh almost every day.

5) He knows my heart more than anyone else in the world

6) I know his heart better than anyone else in the world, including his mother who thinks otherwise and doesn’t know this blog exists.

7)  He shared his love for music and there are not enough words in my vocabulary to state how blessed I am because of that.

8) He taught me the phrase “Expect the Worst, Hope for the Best”, which has helped my codependent nature cope.

9) He still thinks I am beautiful.

10) I respect the way he hangs in there every single day when I might have given up myself in his shoes.

11) I swear I have a history book with me at all times when he is by my side and I love that. No history professor could teach me the way he does.

12) I love his laugh and when his eyes sparkle with joy.

13) He has supported all of the hobbies that I have had over the years whether they are related to singing, working out or even going to church too much.

14) Most importantly, I am thankful that he has stuck with me all these years and grown up with me. I would not be who I am today without him by my side.