I have been engaged with so many dynamics the past week that I am not sure how to define it all except it is the human condition. I have encountered people that are facing really tough situations and others are facing their own self-induced tough situations. It really has me humbled in how I can or cannot make a difference.
I struggle with codependency in these situations. I really want to help, but know that I am not able to help everyone with everything they need. And I know realistically that I have to prioritize those closest to me in order to truly help people the way they need. Since my therapist told me last week to focus on the emotion and the root cause of that emotion, I want to do that here.
If I am honest with myself, my reason for being frustrated that I can’t help everyone is selfishly rooted. I do not want to NOT be there for someone if they need me because that might mean I will disappoint them and I can’t stand letting people down. Good God, am I for real?! Is that perfectionism or codependency? I do not know the difference sometimes. I mean, it is superbly unrealistic to think that I can be everything to everyone at the exact moment they need me.
So, where does this come from? Why am I am so scared to let people down? 1) Some of it is that I don’t always feel like people are there for me when I need them and I give them a lot of excuses. But the people I surround myself with now are no longer that group – they would be here at the drop of a hat. 2) I’m sure some is also the trust factor that I have with people that they truly do not say what they feel. 3) I would guess a majority of it is related to communication and deep-rooted in the way that my family communicates.
But that’s a guess. So, how can I deal with this? And why is it bothering me now more than normal? Some days I feel I need constant praise and reassurance and get none. Again, is this perfectionism, self-doubt or what?
I have so much to learn. I feel that the keys to unlocking my true happiness and true human spirit are hidden in the puzzle of my brain. If you haven’t noticed this blog is not just about the journey out of the rat race for me. It is about my journey to happiness as well.