I turned somber today after my therapy appointment and the feeling continued well into the evening. We focused on 5 things in one hour and I have been reflecting since:
- I have a strategic point of view. I knew this already even though I doubted myself. Some of it is related to my codependency fears of everything being final. I grew up believing that many, if not all, decisions we make are forever. “Normal” people know that is not the case, but this flawed thinking has caused me to try to control everything in my life out of fear. I’ve taken years to get past trying to control things, but I don’t always identify the emotions that is driving me to want to control.
- I am overwhelmed by tactical things because of my strategic point of view. At work, I am struggling with tasks that I have to accomplish because those are keeping me from creating a high-level process that will help prevent the tasks. Chicken or the egg? This has been a 2 year problem in my current role. I have learned a ton and though, I love what I am learning, it is not good for my sanity. I need a narrowed focus with more control. Currently I am assigned a ton of things to do, yet my boss is constantly distracting me when I need to focus in order to do all of those tasks.
- I must wait for more information before fully deciding career directions. While I am attempting to do all this at work, I know I have a fork in the road getting closer. I’ve mentioned it here in past posts. One side of the fork is becoming a Sourcing Manager. That job is in my current department is honestly natural progression to the position I am in now. The other position is not even developed yet in the company, but I know it is coming with a recent law passing. I really am drawn to that new position because of its strategic direction. I almost have all of the pieces put together on the potential positions and will know in the next week or two what my direction is to take. Still pending….
- I am afraid of growing old without the people I love the most. Maybe I feel this fear because I am seeing more death lately with my colleague’s husband being terminally ill. Or maybe it’s because my best friend’s husband and my step-sister’s husband are both in prison each serving more than 10 years total. Or possibly it’s related to my step-dad’s recent COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) diagnosis pointing to his heart as the cause. He has a history of heart disease and his family does too. I also have a deep fear that I am going to lose my husband because he has an unexplained illness that is continually linking more symptoms.
- I want to make people get the care I believe they should get in order to prevent No. 4. Through this experience with my parents, I have noticed another trend that I do not like: both my mom and step-dad seem to not look for answers concerning their health nor as thoroughly as I would like. And then I realized that I treat my husband the same way because I do not feel he prioritizes his health as much as I want either. And the epiphany occurred:
- I take care of my health because I want to be alive and healthy for those around me and
- Because people do not do the same thing I do to find answers related to their health, I interpret it like they are not prioritizing being here for me longer term.
And there it is – the codependent triangle. I see a victim, try to rescue them and then get mad because they do not do what I want them to do. And it is all fear driven. I am afraid they are going to die earlier than me and I am afraid of being alone in my elder years. As I age, these are settling in as my new fears.
So, what did these 5 observations give me at the end of an hour session? An assignment from my therapist:
Is this what adulting looks like?
On Thanksgiving Eve, I am thankful that I have a very understanding husband, a really good job with really good opportunities, a therapist that gets me, sweet puppies to snuggle with and a family that I do not want to spend one day without. I also am thankful for all of my new friends in this blogosphere that are joining me in my journey out of the rat race.
Comments always welcome! Thanks for your inspiration and your support!