For several years, I was seeking balance in my life. I would set goals every year instead of resolutions and target to accomplish certain things in my life that year around the areas: physical, career, friendships, spiritual, and my marriage. Most the time, I achieved all those goals and I thought I had it all figured out, but I couldn’t figure out why I still never felt balanced.
So then I lost my religion about 8 years ago and started to feel a weight lift. I carried so much guilt and fear while I was constantly striving towards perfection. Nothing was ever good enough in my mind. I did my absolute best and wanted praise for it all. And if I didn’t hear the praise, I doubted myself. What a sad life! Wasn’t those described feelings exactly the opposite of what feeling the grace of God should be like? I mentally tortured myself. And I wasn’t striving to be like Christ. I was striving to an unrealistic expectation I had on myself. No one can be perfect. No one can be like Christ or like any other perfect being in other religions. All we can be is human; and humans are imperfect. So in order to realize that, I had had to stop. And there I finally found myself free. I was free of the guilt of obligation, the guilt of fulfilling the role of being the:
perfect acquaintance (seriously)
Fast forward 8 years later, and I’m in therapy again to deal with my feelings related to work. I still fight the urge to be perfect, but I’m getting the hang of letting go and being me. My therapist this week reminded me that you will always be imbalanced in your life. She said you can strive to be “perfectly imbalanced”. It’s like a teeter totter. The closer you are to the middle, the less extreme reaction you will get. But you’ll never have it perfectly balanced because there will always be something that lowers one side.