My highlight reel has a tear in it

I’m in the middle of the most incredible year of my career right now. Yet, I blemished it. 

I struggle with the name of my blemish and don’t even like to say it. My husband thinks I had an emotional affair. There was some sexual by nature conversations, so I can’t argue. But it all feels surreal and like it wasn’t an affair. It was an occasional text with a man that became a friend. I didn’t have sex with the guy. I wasn’t even in proximity to have it. And I wanted to talk to my husband about it, but never did. I knew it would hurt him and knew it was wrong to a degree. I don’t try to minimize it, but I struggle because I don’t think it is as bad as what my husband did to me. 
So my biggest fear came true. I sabotaged my 40th birthday celebrations, my hope for an amazing 15 year wedding anniversary and tore my own highlight reel of my career with this. I disappointed myself! 
I still believe that there is no sin, just consequences to your actions. I’m realizing now that we had a ripple happen years ago that is continuing in our relationship. For every action, there is a reaction. It’s a law of physics. This is no different. I guess it’s karma, but it’s a tough pill to swallow. Both of our families had affairs in them. And maybe every family has their secrets and struggles. 
And the real epiphany tonight is that I realized I have wanted my husband to understand why I felt the way I felt after he had an affair and to be able to put himself in my shoes. I never expected that I would be the cause…. I have been humbled. 
Forever regretful. 

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