I dug my grave, so I need to lay in it a while – woller in it. Get muddy and think about it. And I need a scarlet letter on my shirt to say it to the world or I’ll just live in quiet shame.
Yes, I had an emotional affair, and it was not without consequences. I’m paying for it now. I hurt my husband – more than anything, that is what I am most regretful about. I hate that he is hurting still because of it. I’ve felt the same pain he feels now after he cheated on me years ago. And because of my affair, I am just now learning how his affair started. He lived in shame, quietly, for years about his. His quietness made me think he had no regrets. And I see he feels the same way about me now because he is asking questions that I only thought about. I was ashamed to even feel angry about his affiar because I didn’t want to lose the love of my life. (Those thoughts go back to the thought that all fights end a relationship. But I digress….).
What I have noticed is that I’m losing my moral compass. I mentioned in my previous post that I don’t believe in sin anymore, just consequences. But, I haven’t been fully honest with anyone or myself yet. I twist my words in a way to get people to agree with me that I think my husband is wrong for feeling the way he does for as long as he had. Then I look like a saint because I understand why he feels the way he does. What will it take for me to be fully honest? Do I need to hit a rock bottom, raw place that I can’t see yet? I want to move on and pretend like it never happened, but I know that isn’t healthy. I need to face it. I know I need to. But I don’t know what I’m facing and I’m afraid….. And I should be.
So, the next few days, I need to figure out a way to show my husband daily that I don’t want to lose him and that I am regretful and that I am sorry….. I need to soul search what I would give up in order to do that.
Relationships are one of life’s most interesting things.
My husband and I have been on an interesting journey to honesty the last 21 years. It’s not been easy, and currently, it’s not comfortable at all. If you read There’s a Tear in My Highlight Reel, then you know that we’re in a tough spot right now. My husband is hurting so badly because of me. I always wanted him to feel the way I did after he cheated on me, but I never thought it would be because of me. It hurts me knowing that.
So we’re walking a bit on eggshells, but we’re talking more honestly than I think we ever have.
Then, yesterday, I had the best conversation with my best friend. She and I shared honest concerns and frustrations with our lives, our husbands, her kid, our health, our careers and pretty much everything else.
And all the sudden, I no longer felt alone.
I’m throwing in the towel!
I’m crying Uncle!
I cannot do it all!
I’ve had to slow down with my blogging because I’ve been so busy. My new position with my company has most of my creative energy tied up and any remaining energy is going into my Younique business. I’m spending a lot of time rubbing elbows with leaders I never expected to be around and have started implementing some of Sheryl Sandberg’s methods of asking for help and delegating.
It’s a fine art and I didn’t realize how easy it is to get in over your head. And I also didn’t realize how I alone I would feel. See, I already have high expectations of myself and get frustrated that I can’t do everything. But when I feel someone else has high expectations of me as well, I feel very alone and like I have no right to ask for help. I try to explain it to my husband, but I’m not sure he understands because things end up back on my plate. I am not sure though if it’s me that takes the task back or if it’s given back. The bills are a good example. I asked my husband to start doing them to learn how much money we have and help me not miss them. Somehow within the very next month, I had them back on my plate. I don’t think he intended for that to happen, but it did. I definitely need to communicate more about this and that’s on me. But the rest is getting him to be an active participant in the chores and tasks that I take on as a woman.
So tonight, I tried to push the bills back to him after I somehow took them back on the 2nd month after asking for help. He’s doing them now, but not without a lot of arguing. And now I’m sitting in silence feeling like I’ve asked for the most ridiculous request and he is frustrated with many things. He asked me at least 3 times if I was too busy to do them.
Guys, listen to me. Your wives/partners are overloaded and are doing a lot for you. Is the division of power really even? Are you helping her when she asks or are you pushing back selfishly? It’s hard enough for us to ask for help, but when you push back when we do, it cuts deep. Seriously, I hold a $92k/year job and am operating at that level mentality. When I get home, I’m exhausted. And now I’ve picked up basically a second job to buy my makeup and helps pay more build. And I feel like I have to justify every purchase and bill decision. I’m tired. Mentally, I do not feel comfortable with all this and I’ve asked for help. I’m dropping the ball and crying Uncle.
Please let the female blogger world hear my cry and the male blogger world help me find better ways to make the request that I desperately need.