I dug my grave, so I need to lay in it a while – woller in it. Get muddy and think about it. And I need a scarlet letter on my shirt to say it to the world or I’ll just live in quiet shame.
Yes, I had an emotional affair, and it was not without consequences. I’m paying for it now. I hurt my husband – more than anything, that is what I am most regretful about. I hate that he is hurting still because of it. I’ve felt the same pain he feels now after he cheated on me years ago. And because of my affair, I am just now learning how his affair started. He lived in shame, quietly, for years about his. His quietness made me think he had no regrets. And I see he feels the same way about me now because he is asking questions that I only thought about. I was ashamed to even feel angry about his affiar because I didn’t want to lose the love of my life. (Those thoughts go back to the thought that all fights end a relationship. But I digress….).
What I have noticed is that I’m losing my moral compass. I mentioned in my previous post that I don’t believe in sin anymore, just consequences. But, I haven’t been fully honest with anyone or myself yet. I twist my words in a way to get people to agree with me that I think my husband is wrong for feeling the way he does for as long as he had. Then I look like a saint because I understand why he feels the way he does. What will it take for me to be fully honest? Do I need to hit a rock bottom, raw place that I can’t see yet? I want to move on and pretend like it never happened, but I know that isn’t healthy. I need to face it. I know I need to. But I don’t know what I’m facing and I’m afraid….. And I should be.
So, the next few days, I need to figure out a way to show my husband daily that I don’t want to lose him and that I am regretful and that I am sorry….. I need to soul search what I would give up in order to do that.