Minimalism – “To be or not to be”

What’s it like to really be a minimalist? Is it worth it? 

Tonight, my husband and I watched a documentary on Netflix called Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. 

We briefly talked about it during and after the film and how we both understand how simplicity could mean more happiness. I know we both long for that and we both long for the same thing – to retreat to fishing quietly in our future home. 
I’m literally in the height of my career and feel very accomplished, yet I feel like my closest relationships are still distant. I long for more time to have intimate conversations, more energy for sex and more meditation time. And I long for the sound of the water lapping on the boat, the birds in the distance and the sounds of frogs and insects chirping away the evening. I hear them in my mind all the time. 

I wonder what it would be like if we weren’t afraid to do it now. What would it look like? What would it look like if it were easy? What would it look like if we had less? I wish I had more answers. In time, I suppose we’ll figure it out. 

All this minimizing talk makes me want to purge some. Maybe that’s the first step….. Until then, catch me here talking about our journey out of the rat race. 


Love Hurts; Honesty Complicates It

It seems like every few weeks, we have a snag in this journey together. This weekend was the snag time. And this time, we agreed on counseling. 

I feel somewhat less raw with my emotions than I would’ve in the past. Not sure if it’s a supplement I’m in that helps with anxiety, but my husband feels I don’t care. I do care. I just don’t know what to do. I know he needs time to heal and to find faith and trust in me. And I know exactly what that feels like, so I can’t say anything 

One thing is I feel stuck with his requests. He wants me to give up a friend I’ve had for ten years because she didn’t tell him about an inappropriate relationship I was having and because she didn’t discourage me from having it. That was the cause of this weekend’s snag – I had lunch with her and another friend. It sent him in a spiral.-  But here’s the thing: anytime I mentioned my emotions about my husband and our frustrations to anyone, I realized no one discouraged it. What’s that tell me about the company I’m keeping? Better yet, what’s it say about my honesty? He’s shaking me to my core – am I really honest about anything? I thought I was honest with myself, but I spend time protecting myself regularly with minor lies. Am I alone in this? Is this codependency? 

I really have no accountability anymore. I left religion, took to the Universe to correct me and don’t believe in”sin” anymore. I believe in consequences. And I watch my husband and I slowly grow apart when I thought all my changes would cause us to grow closer together.And I’ve never felt more alone.

This Journey out of the Rat Race is complicated. So many lessons to learn first….

The Game of Time

Time passes in a blink of an eye. And each blink feels like I’ve missed something. 

1 day

24 hours

1440 minutes

86400 seconds

No matter how you calculate it, there is always the same amount of time in one day. How is it, then, that time feels like it’s moving faster? 

I was comparing notes with a friend the other day and she agreed, more time passes with each day. Life continues to happen, then I realize that it’s been 5 years since I’ve seen a friend, months since I’ve had lunch with another, a year since I’ve seen my brother!!!! How does this happen?! 

Then when I think of trying to remedy this situation, I get overwhelmed by a busy social schedule. Really! I want and don’t want to see my friends and family more. đŸ˜‚

I’m constantly striving to move forward and the best two kinds of friends are the ones that pick back up like no time has passed and the ones that are striving for similar goals. Those two groups are the most understanding to a busy life. And they understand the level of exhaustion I have anymore. 

I tell myself I like what I’m doing, but I wonder what it would look like if it were different. Will it matter? I find a lot of pride in what I’m doing, but it’s a bit exhausting. I keep going back to the phrase that I learned to ask myself from Kelsey Humphreys, “What would this look like if it were easy?”

The answer is that I’d have the money to be able to do what I want without having a time restraint. I’d live a life that is relaxed and be able to travel, to live in our future home and enjoy food and drink without feeling strained by the choice to enjoy it from other people. I’d spend a few hours a day on knowledge and implementation of that knowledge.  And I’d be able to stretch a week out to 2…. 

Can I bend the limitations of time? 

More Self Studies on Fear

So, this fear issue goes very deep. Today, my husband and I were at a gun shop. I realized as we were looking around how important it was to me to feel like I knew what I was doing. 

Then I looked into my husband’s eyes as he was talking to me about revolvers and could see the love in them. I wondered to myself, “Do I even like guns? So I enjoy this hobby or do I enjoy it because he enjoys it?” I haven’t fully thought through those answers, but I’m stunned at the thought….. 

Is this my midlife crisis? 

I seriously might need therapy. Lol. I au least need lunch with a friend I can be fully, 100% not held back, honest with…. 

I’m working on that date now, so until then, I’ll continue to welcome your feedback. 

And I’ll continue my journey out of the rat race. 

Typical EOY Reflections & Secrets

I hate to be cliche, but here I am writing a post about reflections on 2016 and looking forward to 2017. 

I’ve learned many things this year, but the hardest lessons were during the last half. And the most recent lesson is recognizing that I keep secrets. 

Secrets – What secrets are okay to keep and what ones are not? A friendship with a man became an emotional affair, so obviously that’s one that shouldn’t be kept secret. (And I know that a big duh… Just stating it).  But lately I’ve been struggling with other secrets. For instance, this blog is a secret. I’ve never told my husband it exists. I’ve shared secretly with you all and felt safer here. I feel it’s somewhat a diary for people that do not know me. (Am I like Anne Frank?! Well except I’m not a Jew during the reign of Nazi Germany….. I digress…..)

Other secrets that I’ve been struggling with – I feel judged. A lot. By many people, but mostly my husband.  I hide things because I feel I’ll be judged. Is this part of my codependency? An aquaintance asked me not to judge her for having a hot cocoa at Starbucks yesterday. I wondered if she suffered this as well.

Okay so another secret, this aquaintance was a Yoli vendor that I met because I bought some healthy drink mixes from her and I literally hid it in my car. I didn’t want my husband to know I bought it because I felt he would judge me. I know that sounds crazy, but he gets on me about buying into these types of holistic things… He says it’s drinking the koolaid and says it is psychosomatic. I don’t do it often, but I’m exploring alternative medicine and some of it makes sense to me. I’m a scientist and feel that gives me some type of educated opinion here. 

Other secrets I am keeping: 

  • I recently started journaling in haikus. 
  • Binge eating 
  • Masturbation 
  • Making plans with friends
  • Phone usage
  • Laziness 
  • Fear of not knowing what I’m doing….. 

Ah. There it is. I knew if I listed them, eventually a culprit would come out. Fear. I’m afraid of several things and many happened this year. Here’s another list except on things that scare me. 

  • Losing my husband either through death, but mainly right now because he leaves
  • Looking stupid when I feel I should know how to do things 
  • Failing 
  • Dying 
  • Being fully honest even with myself 

Obviously, I’m struggling with this all. A few weeks ago, we went shooting and my love left me in the lane a while by myself. I wanted so badly to look like I knew what I was doing. I literally cried a little when the lane attendant called me out on shooting the ceiling. But when my came back, I hid it. I told him I was glad he was back to help me. 

I’d love your feedback this time. And bring it from all angles please. 

  • Do you keep secrets from your significant other? How do you cope with it? 
  • Anyone know any ways to manage this through Buddhism or chakra therapy or yoga possibly?
  • Should I go back to therapy?
  • Is seeing everyone’s highlight reel on social media making me crazy? 
  • Really… Say anything