Typical EOY Reflections & Secrets

I hate to be cliche, but here I am writing a post about reflections on 2016 and looking forward to 2017. 

I’ve learned many things this year, but the hardest lessons were during the last half. And the most recent lesson is recognizing that I keep secrets. 

Secrets – What secrets are okay to keep and what ones are not? A friendship with a man became an emotional affair, so obviously that’s one that shouldn’t be kept secret. (And I know that a big duh… Just stating it).  But lately I’ve been struggling with other secrets. For instance, this blog is a secret. I’ve never told my husband it exists. I’ve shared secretly with you all and felt safer here. I feel it’s somewhat a diary for people that do not know me. (Am I like Anne Frank?! Well except I’m not a Jew during the reign of Nazi Germany….. I digress…..)

Other secrets that I’ve been struggling with – I feel judged. A lot. By many people, but mostly my husband.  I hide things because I feel I’ll be judged. Is this part of my codependency? An aquaintance asked me not to judge her for having a hot cocoa at Starbucks yesterday. I wondered if she suffered this as well.

Okay so another secret, this aquaintance was a Yoli vendor that I met because I bought some healthy drink mixes from her and I literally hid it in my car. I didn’t want my husband to know I bought it because I felt he would judge me. I know that sounds crazy, but he gets on me about buying into these types of holistic things… He says it’s drinking the koolaid and says it is psychosomatic. I don’t do it often, but I’m exploring alternative medicine and some of it makes sense to me. I’m a scientist and feel that gives me some type of educated opinion here. 

Other secrets I am keeping: 

  • I recently started journaling in haikus. 
  • Binge eating 
  • Masturbation 
  • Making plans with friends
  • Phone usage
  • Laziness 
  • Fear of not knowing what I’m doing….. 

Ah. There it is. I knew if I listed them, eventually a culprit would come out. Fear. I’m afraid of several things and many happened this year. Here’s another list except on things that scare me. 

  • Losing my husband either through death, but mainly right now because he leaves
  • Looking stupid when I feel I should know how to do things 
  • Failing 
  • Dying 
  • Being fully honest even with myself 

Obviously, I’m struggling with this all. A few weeks ago, we went shooting and my love left me in the lane a while by myself. I wanted so badly to look like I knew what I was doing. I literally cried a little when the lane attendant called me out on shooting the ceiling. But when my came back, I hid it. I told him I was glad he was back to help me. 

I’d love your feedback this time. And bring it from all angles please. 

  • Do you keep secrets from your significant other? How do you cope with it? 
  • Anyone know any ways to manage this through Buddhism or chakra therapy or yoga possibly?
  • Should I go back to therapy?
  • Is seeing everyone’s highlight reel on social media making me crazy? 
  • Really… Say anything

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