Love Hurts; Honesty Complicates It

It seems like every few weeks, we have a snag in this journey together. This weekend was the snag time. And this time, we agreed on counseling. 

I feel somewhat less raw with my emotions than I would’ve in the past. Not sure if it’s a supplement I’m in that helps with anxiety, but my husband feels I don’t care. I do care. I just don’t know what to do. I know he needs time to heal and to find faith and trust in me. And I know exactly what that feels like, so I can’t say anything 

One thing is I feel stuck with his requests. He wants me to give up a friend I’ve had for ten years because she didn’t tell him about an inappropriate relationship I was having and because she didn’t discourage me from having it. That was the cause of this weekend’s snag – I had lunch with her and another friend. It sent him in a spiral.-  But here’s the thing: anytime I mentioned my emotions about my husband and our frustrations to anyone, I realized no one discouraged it. What’s that tell me about the company I’m keeping? Better yet, what’s it say about my honesty? He’s shaking me to my core – am I really honest about anything? I thought I was honest with myself, but I spend time protecting myself regularly with minor lies. Am I alone in this? Is this codependency? 

I really have no accountability anymore. I left religion, took to the Universe to correct me and don’t believe in”sin” anymore. I believe in consequences. And I watch my husband and I slowly grow apart when I thought all my changes would cause us to grow closer together.And I’ve never felt more alone.

This Journey out of the Rat Race is complicated. So many lessons to learn first….

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