I don’t know how to communicate to the most important person in my life, my husband.
There’s so much to say that I can’t possibly pour out in words on the screen. Based on what I’m learning, this is what shame looks like. And I can’t formulate into words all my emotions. But I’ll try.
I am doing everything I can to be more open and vulnerable and I feel like my words are you used against me and feel attacked by them, similar to what I imagine President Trump to feel like, honestly. I want so badly for people to understand, but I know it takes time to get to this point and to catch them up to where I am in my head. I’m learning these skills at work as much as I am at home and right now is the most painful time of my life because I have no idea how I made it this far without being able to express myself in a way that people truly get. Every time I try to tell someone what I feel, I have to explain it over and over and over again because they don’t get it. It could be just something simple at work that seems simple in my head but takes meeting upon meeting to get. It’s the same thing with my husband. But what is frustrating is that we have known each other literally 22 years and I am tired of not feeling like I am understood.
After listening to The Power of Vulnerability and Daring Greatly by Brene` Brown, I have started to recognize that much of this is me. The common denominator is not the other people, but it is the most frustrating thing to go through this and I feel like I am out there on an island. I want to know I’m not crazy in my head and I thought I had a “marble jar friend, but she is proving to me that she only has half the marbles in the jar. (LOL, if you read or listened to either one of those books, you will understand that reference).
Another part of this that’s awful is the accountability piece. I’ve yet to hear her talk about accountability versus vulnerability. I know I feel shame and I know I protect myself from it by keeping myself from feeling vulnerable. I get that. Accountability to me is a tough pill to swallow because it feels like reasons to not love me. If I am criticized, then I am not liked and all I want to do is feel a connection. I want to feel loved. I want to feel safe. Why do I not let myself feel these ways? This is the perfectionist in me. And it’s a ridiculous expectation of mine.
I am sure all of these not feeling worthy feelings come from a long time ago. Then I know I can’t fix them overnight. Is it too late to start over? I know I’m not the only one that thinks about driving over the edge of the bridge. I would never do that, but once in awhile I daydream about it because it feels like it would be easier to escape that way. Not being able to express myself and feeling misunderstood at all times by everyone and especially by those that say they love me the most makes me want to have a better escape from life.
In an argument about a small lie, that wasn’t even really a lie in my head, my husband said he feels like everytime that I go through these emotions that he has to build me back up. After listening to the book, my thought is “YES, exactly! That’s exactly what I need from you.” But the way he says it his like he is not willing to do that. He’s callous to it. He is growing less loving because of it at the time or tired of me at the time. How can I build myself back up out of this pit when I don’t have the empathy of my most cherished relationship?