Category Archives: GOAL ORIENTED

Haiku Journal Day 93 – The Answer is Wholehearted Living

Friends with “answers”
We’re all seeking miracles
Find wholeheartedness

Anxiety comes
And depression ensues us
Numbing behaviors

You’ll stop numbing when
You find out what you’re seeking
And know you’re enough

After studying Brene’ Brown’s work, my journey to retirement is shifting to a journey to wholeheartedness. I still want to retire early and figure out a way that my husband and I can do it, but first, I want to understand how I can be content and happy in the present. There are so many things that I’ve learned about myself this year, it’s difficult to express them all through a daily blog, let alone trying to do it in haiku. 🙂

Basically, I’m learning life is really a bunch of cliche’s.

If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.
There is so much more than easy fixes in this life. Yes, some of these things can help the body tap into it’s own resoures, but WHY are you behaving the way that is counterproductive to your body’s desired state of healthy? Most likely, you’re numbing. WHY? Numbing what?

Time heals everything.
It’s a personal journey. No one else can help you move through it. You need to know why you do anything. Are you seeking unrealistic perfection and is perfection a moving target? It was for me. Nothing in my mind was good enough. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I felt (er….feel) shame that I wasn’t. How ridiculous!

The grass is always greener on the other side.
According to Brene’s work, we live in a state of constant scarcity and comparison. Because of this, we think that everything looks better than the state that we are in. I am learning that my husband and I have moved around everywhere trying to find “better” all the time. Each place that we moved and job that we got, we found that the grass was the same shade of green. In fact, sometimes it was uglier in the new state because we didn’t realize our problems didn’t go away. We weren’t learning our lessons.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.
If you’re not happy in life overall, then there is something you need to change. In the therapy world, there is no right or wrong and feelings are just feelings. When you are happy, you will still feel angry or sad or depressed occasionally. And when you are married, you may hate your partner occasionally. But if this is how you feel most of the time, then you need to make a life change. Period. It is too short to do anything otherwise. Do not live in a state of discontentment.

Stop and smell the roses.
For real, this is what life is all about: Stopping to enjoy the moment; being present and taking mental pictures. If you don’t, you will wake up one day like me and realize you don’t have many memories of the blessings along the way. I’m forty and cannot remember a lot of things that have happened in my past (short-term and long-term). For example, used to write down all of the things that I received as gifts, so I wouldn’t forget. I still forget, but I’m working on taking mental pictures and videos of things around me, so that I can remember them long after they have passed (without actually recording them). The haiku journal is helping me do that and it is helping me realize that one of my numbing behaviors was/is staying busy. I am purposely slowing down and enjoying the slowness. There is no reason to run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off……. There really isn’t. You can be calm, cool and collected at all times, savor the moments by literally engaging all 5 senses. Believe me, it’s worth it.

Another crusade battle – Shame runs my life

I don’t know how to communicate to the most important person in my life, my husband.  

There’s so much to say that I can’t possibly pour out in words on the screen.  Based on what I’m learning, this is what shame looks like. And I can’t formulate into words all my emotions.  But I’ll try. 

I am doing everything I can to be more open and vulnerable and I feel like my words are you used against me and feel attacked by them, similar to what I imagine President Trump to feel like, honestly. I want so badly for people to understand, but I know it takes time to get to this point and to catch them up to where I am in my head. I’m learning these skills at work as much as I am at home and right now is the most painful time of my life because I have no idea how I made it this far without being able to express myself in a way that people truly get. Every time I try to tell someone what I feel, I have to explain it over and over and over again because they don’t get it. It could be just something simple at work that seems simple in my head but takes meeting upon meeting to get. It’s the same thing with my husband. But what is frustrating is that we have known each other literally 22 years and I am tired of not feeling like I am understood.

After listening to Continue reading Another crusade battle – Shame runs my life

Haiku Journal Day 80 Just a pretty version of a wheel

Carousel in dreams
Disguised hamster wheel
Why keep jumping on?

You’re going nowhere
Overrated stability
I know there is more

All part of journey
Personal growth and boldness
Realization

Gain my awareness
I’m looking for freedom
Freedom from handcuffs

Passionate questions
Identify their problems
What truly holds us back?

Who will find me out?
Turn inaction to action.
They say they care, ha!

“Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.” Dale Carnegie

Haiku Journal Day 79 – Corporate Bullshit

Day off, email blows
Micro managing employed
Business decisions

Undermined again
One step forward, two steps back
Lack trust apparent

Back to corporate
Red tape always in ball field
Their self reflections

Hence my journey out
It started more years ago
Hamster wheels turning

Hope glimpses appear
Normalcy returns again
Ridiculousness