Category Archives: GOAL ORIENTED

Haiku Journal Day 190 – Surreal

Behind surreal days
Daily rollercoaster rides
Why not self employed?

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Diary of a future escape artist

When your employees are focused on the wrong things, productivity goes way down. The biggest reason is because they are focused on managing their emotions rather than focusing on productivity. So as an employee, how do I overcome these feelings?

I’ve been a long-standing leader in my group and even helped write many of the policies. Because I’ve written those, I try very hard and take pride in it that I follow the rules. But the rules are betraying me right now and I don’t know how to manage my emotions around it. The entire exercise has revealed how valued I am. People are doing things lately out of obligation to me and not because they genuinely value my contributions. They panic because they’re afraid my contributions will be removed (aka I quit), so they are motivated by the wrong reasons to appease my emotions. And that frustrates me.

I’m tired of the corporate rat race. I’m tired of the hamster wheel. I’m tired of helping other people with their agendas and not being valued for my contribution of achieving those agendas. I want to write my own agenda.

I know the basic tricks to leave this rat race, but they are difficult to execute. It takes patience and forward momentum that is difficult to navigate. You get bored easily and frustrated easily. Today I am at the height of emotional distress with my body and it’s exasperatingly the frustrations. My goal for the day is to lay low and not show my face . Because if I do, I’m going to be an emotional mongrel and continue to force people to manage me by my emotion instead of by the valuable work that I do.

Haiku Day 171 – I hate money

Money is going to be the death of me. Nothing gets my blood pressure higher than money and I deflect it on the husband all the time. I’m so frustrated that I can’t do more and manage it better. I often beat myself up that I don’t catch mistakes earlier and utt catches me off guard every month. It’s the same pattern….. I have a severe amount of perfectionism around this subject. It’s hard to put it all in words, but how can I be turning 41 and can’t keep the checkbook balanced?

Went to bed on time
I cried silently a bit
I want to change now

Haiku Journal Day 136 – I see you, Hawk

Am I really ready?
In younger days, soaring burnt
No shields from the sun

I feel you watching
Telling me to prepare soon
I see the writing

Haiku Journal Day 120 – Rat Race Rants

Yet another day
Same story, conflicting teams
Constant convincing

After lunch with a new mentoring relationship, I realized that the corporate rat race is a constant state of convincing leaders to follow your agenda. And if this isn’t in line with their agendas, it takes a ridiculous amount of convincing to get them to justify the needs. So, either you ACCEPT it for what it is or you LEAVE. Otherwise, you’re going to be miserable. And deciding if I want to stay is where I am at this stage.

I’ve had a long goal within my company to standardize processes and policies. I have a knack for this and do see the need for getting it done. However, this goal is too difficult without the support of higher ups. My mentor all but matched my concerns with leadership direction of our company, and she is a very high up position. It was the first time that I felt like she didn’t have a chance to get accomplished what she wanted to.

This is obviously part of what is driving me to want to retire soon. I’m sure I’ll have more to say and think about on this topic in the coming journal entries…..