Tag Archives: Buddhism

Haiku Journal Day 135 – Embrace the Teacher

Life teaches often
Are you listening for it?
Smile, Bob Ross painted

Happy little clouds
Think, Ohm Varhanum Namar
Did your heart sing too?

Haiku Journal Day 93 – The Answer is Wholehearted Living

Friends with “answers”
We’re all seeking miracles
Find wholeheartedness

Anxiety comes
And depression ensues us
Numbing behaviors

You’ll stop numbing when
You find out what you’re seeking
And know you’re enough

After studying Brene’ Brown’s work, my journey to retirement is shifting to a journey to wholeheartedness. I still want to retire early and figure out a way that my husband and I can do it, but first, I want to understand how I can be content and happy in the present. There are so many things that I’ve learned about myself this year, it’s difficult to express them all through a daily blog, let alone trying to do it in haiku. 🙂

Basically, I’m learning life is really a bunch of cliche’s.

If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.
There is so much more than easy fixes in this life. Yes, some of these things can help the body tap into it’s own resoures, but WHY are you behaving the way that is counterproductive to your body’s desired state of healthy? Most likely, you’re numbing. WHY? Numbing what?

Time heals everything.
It’s a personal journey. No one else can help you move through it. You need to know why you do anything. Are you seeking unrealistic perfection and is perfection a moving target? It was for me. Nothing in my mind was good enough. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I felt (er….feel) shame that I wasn’t. How ridiculous!

The grass is always greener on the other side.
According to Brene’s work, we live in a state of constant scarcity and comparison. Because of this, we think that everything looks better than the state that we are in. I am learning that my husband and I have moved around everywhere trying to find “better” all the time. Each place that we moved and job that we got, we found that the grass was the same shade of green. In fact, sometimes it was uglier in the new state because we didn’t realize our problems didn’t go away. We weren’t learning our lessons.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.
If you’re not happy in life overall, then there is something you need to change. In the therapy world, there is no right or wrong and feelings are just feelings. When you are happy, you will still feel angry or sad or depressed occasionally. And when you are married, you may hate your partner occasionally. But if this is how you feel most of the time, then you need to make a life change. Period. It is too short to do anything otherwise. Do not live in a state of discontentment.

Stop and smell the roses.
For real, this is what life is all about: Stopping to enjoy the moment; being present and taking mental pictures. If you don’t, you will wake up one day like me and realize you don’t have many memories of the blessings along the way. I’m forty and cannot remember a lot of things that have happened in my past (short-term and long-term). For example, used to write down all of the things that I received as gifts, so I wouldn’t forget. I still forget, but I’m working on taking mental pictures and videos of things around me, so that I can remember them long after they have passed (without actually recording them). The haiku journal is helping me do that and it is helping me realize that one of my numbing behaviors was/is staying busy. I am purposely slowing down and enjoying the slowness. There is no reason to run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off……. There really isn’t. You can be calm, cool and collected at all times, savor the moments by literally engaging all 5 senses. Believe me, it’s worth it.

Haiku Journal Day 69 SHAME, PAIN, SHAME

And shame appeared today
I knew one day would happen
What I did caused it

I feel guilty for it
I hate I did this to you
I cry because I did

Sorry I caused doubt
Sorry I made you cry and fear
My action did this

I phoned in a friend
Crying only helps a bit
Empathetic ear

My Journey Out of the Rat Race Spiritually

There’s so much more to my early retirement goals than just leaving the work force. I’m on a journey to learn about myself and grow spiritually as well as emotionally.

If you have read my background, you’ll know that I’ve left the Methodist church and over time, I’ve mentally gone towards Eastern religions. I’ve studied minimally to open my mind, and I’m drawn to thinking that is not bound by tradition.

Lately with all the things happening in my marriage, I started recognizing that my solar chakra is always blocked. I’m learning to unblock it. I took a quiz today to help me determine if it was out of alignment and as suspected, it is. So then I took the quiz as if I were my husband. That’s when I realized his root, sacral, solar and crown chakras appear out of alignment. Poor guy is a mess.

As I continue down these paths, I am eager to learn the lessons life has for me, so we can go to our peaceful retirement as fast as possible. But all of these lessons are part of the journey, right? So stay tuned here as I learn on my journey out of the rat race.

 

 

Typical EOY Reflections & Secrets

I hate to be cliche, but here I am writing a post about reflections on 2016 and looking forward to 2017. 

I’ve learned many things this year, but the hardest lessons were during the last half. And the most recent lesson is recognizing that I keep secrets. 

Secrets – What secrets are okay to keep and what ones are not? A friendship with a man became an emotional affair, so obviously that’s one that shouldn’t be kept secret. (And I know that a big duh… Just stating it).  But lately I’ve been struggling with other secrets. For instance, this blog is a secret. I’ve never told my husband it exists. I’ve shared secretly with you all and felt safer here. I feel it’s somewhat a diary for people that do not know me. (Am I like Anne Frank?! Well except I’m not a Jew during the reign of Nazi Germany….. I digress…..)

Other secrets that I’ve been struggling with – I feel judged. A lot. By many people, but mostly my husband.  I hide things because I feel I’ll be judged. Is this part of my codependency? An aquaintance asked me not to judge her for having a hot cocoa at Starbucks yesterday. I wondered if she suffered this as well.

Okay so another secret, this aquaintance was a Yoli vendor that I met because I bought some healthy drink mixes from her and I literally hid it in my car. I didn’t want my husband to know I bought it because I felt he would judge me. I know that sounds crazy, but he gets on me about buying into these types of holistic things… He says it’s drinking the koolaid and says it is psychosomatic. I don’t do it often, but I’m exploring alternative medicine and some of it makes sense to me. I’m a scientist and feel that gives me some type of educated opinion here. 

Other secrets I am keeping: 

  • I recently started journaling in haikus. 
  • Binge eating 
  • Masturbation 
  • Making plans with friends
  • Phone usage
  • Laziness 
  • Fear of not knowing what I’m doing….. 

Ah. There it is. I knew if I listed them, eventually a culprit would come out. Fear. I’m afraid of several things and many happened this year. Here’s another list except on things that scare me. 

  • Losing my husband either through death, but mainly right now because he leaves
  • Looking stupid when I feel I should know how to do things 
  • Failing 
  • Dying 
  • Being fully honest even with myself 

Obviously, I’m struggling with this all. A few weeks ago, we went shooting and my love left me in the lane a while by myself. I wanted so badly to look like I knew what I was doing. I literally cried a little when the lane attendant called me out on shooting the ceiling. But when my came back, I hid it. I told him I was glad he was back to help me. 

I’d love your feedback this time. And bring it from all angles please. 

  • Do you keep secrets from your significant other? How do you cope with it? 
  • Anyone know any ways to manage this through Buddhism or chakra therapy or yoga possibly?
  • Should I go back to therapy?
  • Is seeing everyone’s highlight reel on social media making me crazy? 
  • Really… Say anything