Tag Archives: family

Haiku Journal Day 168 – We’re not them

Do not worry, my love
Together for twenty years
Nowhere close to them

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Haiku Journal: Day 27

Drive shame surfaces
Vulnerability hides
His anger restrained

Hates analysis
Fear not, my love, my teammate
I knew long before

Shared spirit hint
No judgement came upon me
However quiet

Do hawks fall in love?
Do they stay behind for injured?
They assume clipped wings?

Felt the love today
Saw an old man come to life
It is time to break

My Journey Out of the Rat Race Spiritually

There’s so much more to my early retirement goals than just leaving the work force. I’m on a journey to learn about myself and grow spiritually as well as emotionally.

If you have read my background, you’ll know that I’ve left the Methodist church and over time, I’ve mentally gone towards Eastern religions. I’ve studied minimally to open my mind, and I’m drawn to thinking that is not bound by tradition.

Lately with all the things happening in my marriage, I started recognizing that my solar chakra is always blocked. I’m learning to unblock it. I took a quiz today to help me determine if it was out of alignment and as suspected, it is. So then I took the quiz as if I were my husband. That’s when I realized his root, sacral, solar and crown chakras appear out of alignment. Poor guy is a mess.

As I continue down these paths, I am eager to learn the lessons life has for me, so we can go to our peaceful retirement as fast as possible. But all of these lessons are part of the journey, right? So stay tuned here as I learn on my journey out of the rat race.

 

 

What I learned in Couples Therapy Today

When people say marriage is hard, it’s an understatement.

Today was the first day of couples therapy for me and my husband. I saw him tear up a couple of times and I hate that I caused him pain, but I know that this will make us stronger in the long run. And surprisingly, we laughed at ourselves a few times. And I took away 3 main things today:

  1. We’re going to be fine (after we have some tough conversations).
  2. We have history on our side.
  3. My husband’s trust issues go much deeper than my affair.

After my husband discovered my secret friendship, I told myself that it was a good thing. It was good that it was out in the open because honestly, I knew it was risky. For the record, I never thought that it was an emotional affair, but I knew it had gone on long enough without talking to him about it. I look now at the way I behaved within the friendship and knew it was going to hurt my husband. But I never knew it would hurt him so deeply and I never thought he would label it as an affair. I should’ve stopped it long ago, but I always felt it was somewhat harmless.  Hind sight….  Anyway, I remember thinking it was a good thing it was out in the open becuase I felt that he held me to a standard that was impossible to maintain. Of course, I was going to screw up.   And now that we’ve had the first of many therapy sessions, I realized how right I was.

You might be thinking that I’m being super presumptious, but stick with me a minute. My husband explained to the therapist his long history of not being able to trust his mom because of how many times she broke his trust. She taught him to hate/fear his father (who is legitimately a great guy); she never was honest about his family and why they were estranged from them; and she refused even during his adulthood to tell him what truly happened when she and his dad divorced (when he was an infant). And all of these trust issues happened over the course of his entire childhood with a few critical moments happening when he was around 14 or 15. For his sake, I’m not going to go into all the details of each scenario; the main point is she hid a lot from him and he has reason to not trust people and especially women. I knew of all this history, but today, for some reason, it clicked in a new way during therapy and I had more empathy than I already had for him.

Fast forward after his critical childhood moments into the college years and insert the codependent young lady into his life that wants to please a man to replace the love she wanted to feel from her dad. See where I’m going here? Our relationship and marriage was destined for a lot of problems. And to boot, I have my fair share of trust issues as well.

I’m scared and anxious and hopeful to go through the therapy process this time. The last time we did this, I learned of his affair after and therapy didn’t do much for us. He wasn’t honest with me then out of fear…. see the theme? Fear.

But this time, my husband talked a ton and seems legitimately open and eager to fix our situation. So, this is all part of the journey out of the rat race, right? I mean if you can’t retire happily together forever after, then why retire early?

 

Until next time….

 

Searching for Reason

This week, I have been facing a lot of things that make you question whether staying in the corporate life is worth it. At some point, you gain a sense of accomplishment for all of the hours and efforts that you put into the job, right?

I guess my frustration is because of several circumstances going on around me.

  • A retired colleague passed away on Friday. That had me reflecting a little. Then another coworker’s boss passed away as well unexpectedly. His wife is pregnant with their first born, so it’s just a disaster.
  • I have another coworker who told me a few weeks ago that her fiance is facing an inoperable brain tumor. She said it well, even though they know he is going to die soon, they cannot quit living.
  • Another coworker’s husband of just 8 months had one of his testicles removed last week due to testicular cancer. They might have minimal invasion type treatments now, but it is still scary for a young couple to deal with.
  • My best friend is facing a really tough time. Her husband was sentenced 10 years minimum without parole for hitting a man during a DUI. That was a plea bargain to avoid trial. This is such disappointing news because we thought he might get a chance for parole with good behavior, but it doesn’t look that way.
  • Her situation makes me think about my step-sister and her husband being in federal prison for child porn. Just when I think I cannot relate to her situation, my friend’s situation makes me understand it more and I realize I’m not very supportive. Personally, I really have a hard time on this one because my friend’s husband is a repeat offender, but still did what he did on accident. My step-sister’s husband committed the crime knowing that it was dead wrong. I cannot believe she is still married to him as a mother of 3 in the same age range of the children in the pictures that he was collecting and redistributing. Despite this personal dilemma I have with this situation, it does not take away the fact that my step-sister is raising his three children alone while he is in prison for at least 11 years.

All of this, plus what is going on with Josh and his health is really make me re-evaluate my career and why I am facing this day-in and day-out type of life. Josh’s health is suffering from him doing the same thing. My boss is a micro-manager and that is frustrating me to no end. Why do the job if he is going to do it for me? I’m feeling less and less satisfied with my work life and just want to spend time with what is important – with Josh, my family, visiting my good friends, playing with my dogs and enjoying life. Perhaps a vacation is due soon….

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Is everyone that desperate for attention?

I just finished all of my Christmas visits with everyone. A big theme I noticed is it was easy to disappear in the background if I didn’t talk. It felt like everyone was competing for attention of someone; it was truly an interesting dynamic to sit back and watch. My mom would try to “one up” pretty much everything I would discuss about my husband’s pain or surgery. My stepmom was doing the same thing. This is something that had literally been going on for years, so I wasn’t surprised. It’s just this week it clicked that it doesn’t matter which parent or family member I’m talking to. We have nothing else in common but our ailments…. And everybody wants to show their expertise and knowledge about something. Hardly anyone asked questions about how someone was actually doing; but if they did ask, they tended to want to just interject their current observations of themselves.

Is this just human nature? Are we really listening to each other? Is this why many of us feel so lonely? Just a few things to think about on this Saturday evening.